In Which MacMS Parties Are Just as Bad as DraMac Parties

Once more, the week has been filled with procrastination, rehearsals, and Cabaret shows.

Highlight of my week? Season finale of Lost, which was brilliant and made me feel good to be alive.

But this post isn't about that.

For the past few weeks, I've been filled with nothing but fear for the future. Once I get back to America, I don't have anything lined up. I don't know if I'll have a job. I don't know what I want to do after my senior year of college. Everyone I meet has their life figured out. It's scary. I just keep myself busy with plays and assignments to not focus on the long-term goals.

Tonight was the final night of Cabaret, and of course, a cast party was sure to follow. Abby and Andrew left it immediately, opting to watch a movie instead. I wanted to stay at the party because I thought I'd at least stand a chance this time.

I suck at parties. I've yet to make myself succeed. The drinking thing is always an issue, but I know the technique is to just have a good time with the people anyway. Except a lot of activities center around drinking or being drunk. I like talking to people, I do. But when I've spent the entire run of the show moping around, mostly talking with Abby and Andrew, I'm not going to start winning people over at a party. As I've said before, I've had a weird position in the play as "the guy who played all the minor roles." I wasn't a lead, I wasn't a dancer, and I wasn't in the band. I felt out of place throughout the entire run of the show.

I did connect with a few people, such as those I'd worked with previously, other Americans, and the few girls who originally shared my position. But at parties, I only feel comfortable around those I'm really close with. And they left.

After observing all of the drinking games (which eventually turned into all of the girls making out with each other and the lead guy "since there were no other guys at the party"), I decided to leave.

And I really think I blew a lot of chances tonight, since I don't know what I want, or don't know how to get what I want.

Sorry if this is incoherent. I'm very tired and not looking forward to the busy week ahead of me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to fix things.